"Traditionally, the pinky swear is considered binding and tantamount to a handshake in terms of sealing a deal. The pinky swear originally indicated that the person who breaks the promise must cut off their pinky finger. In modern times, pinky swearing is a more informal way of sealing a promise." *I stole that from wikipedia.*
I don't think I made pinky promises until I was in high school... I had never really heard of it. I make them all the time with Brian (my man). We love to sit and tickle (or torture) each other and when we both can't take it anymore, we pinky promise to stop. Well, of course, I'm just waiting on the perfect time to strike again. So, this isn't much a letter, it's just a way to fill a spot.
The problem with most of these letters is that I could technically write most of them to the same person... but I want to try and write to as many different people as possible. I'm also trying to catch up on all of these so I went almost two weeks without writing one. Dammit. I know. I had a personal issues going on. I'm going to try and go back to writing just about every day... I pinky promise.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Worst Times [day twenty.five]
Last week, I received a phone call that my grandfather had passed away. Close to a year ago, we found out he had cancer and it hit the entire family hard. This letter is to him...
Dear Pawpaw,
I'm thankful that I have memories with you and no one can take from me. I was lucky enough that I got to spend several Summer vacations with you. It seemed like you were always going and always busy with something, yet you included me in a lot of that and I'm grateful. Who knew that a child could find so much to hold onto in Anderson, South Carolina?
I remember the trips to go square dancing, the time I drove us to Florida, swimming in the pool... and many other things. I'm glad that my son actually got to experience that last Summer, before we knew you were sick. He had such a good time.
It breaks my heart... I hate that you had to go through all the pain and suffering. I always saw you as being healthy and in good shape... It was so hard to see you so sick. I'm sorry that I couldn't come see you more often. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to remember you sick. I wanted to remember you as the man I grew up with. I hope you understood that. The last time I saw you was hard... I knew we would lose you soon. I wanted to make sure you knew I loved you. That was the last thing I said to you... "I love you"... I'm good with that. When we pulled out of the driveway that day, I knew it was the last time I would see you. I broke down. You were weak and that was the first time I had ever seen you that way.
In the days after you passed, I heard people telling stories about you. I learned some things that I didn't know... Joy also told a story from your last night. It assured me that you went peacefully. We will miss you so much. We all loved you and have memories that we'll never forget. Rest in peace, Pawpaw....
Please help find a cure for cancer.... Sterling Silver Together We Can Find A Cure Bracelet
Dear Pawpaw,
I'm thankful that I have memories with you and no one can take from me. I was lucky enough that I got to spend several Summer vacations with you. It seemed like you were always going and always busy with something, yet you included me in a lot of that and I'm grateful. Who knew that a child could find so much to hold onto in Anderson, South Carolina?
I remember the trips to go square dancing, the time I drove us to Florida, swimming in the pool... and many other things. I'm glad that my son actually got to experience that last Summer, before we knew you were sick. He had such a good time.
It breaks my heart... I hate that you had to go through all the pain and suffering. I always saw you as being healthy and in good shape... It was so hard to see you so sick. I'm sorry that I couldn't come see you more often. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to remember you sick. I wanted to remember you as the man I grew up with. I hope you understood that. The last time I saw you was hard... I knew we would lose you soon. I wanted to make sure you knew I loved you. That was the last thing I said to you... "I love you"... I'm good with that. When we pulled out of the driveway that day, I knew it was the last time I would see you. I broke down. You were weak and that was the first time I had ever seen you that way.
In the days after you passed, I heard people telling stories about you. I learned some things that I didn't know... Joy also told a story from your last night. It assured me that you went peacefully. We will miss you so much. We all loved you and have memories that we'll never forget. Rest in peace, Pawpaw....
Please help find a cure for cancer.... Sterling Silver Together We Can Find A Cure Bracelet
Saturday, August 28, 2010
My Favorite Memory [day twenty.four]
The person that you me my favorite memory....If I lost my mind and could only keep one memory... I know exactly which one it would be. It was a Friday. About 10:15 in the morning. Almost ten years ago...
Dear Boo,
My sweet (not-so-little anymore) boy. You are the one that gave me my favorite memory... and you've given me so many more after that. From the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, I was terrified. Being young and not sure of where my life was about to take me, I had so many questions running through my mind. Will I be a good mom? Will I do the right things? How is my life about to change? There was one thing I knew for sure, I would love you with everything I had.
For almost three months, I was scared to tell anyone. I knew Nana and Papa would be upset because I was only seventeen. Once they found out things were stressful for a little while, but then they fell in love with you too (and you weren't even here yet). From the beginning, I felt like you were a boy (because normally, a mom doesn't find out if it's a boy or girl until about half-way through being pregnant). The day we actually got to see that you were a boy, I was so excited! I looked forward to all the things a dad usually does. The sports, bugs, camping....
I enjoyed being pregnant with you. I really did. I loved feeling you move around and I imagined what you would look like. I tried to think about how you would act. I was anxious about being a good mother and as the days got closer and closer, I loved you more and more. The day that I would hold you for the first time was getting closer. Finally, the last doctor appointment I would have while being pregnant. It was Thursday morning at about 11:00. I was ten days before the due date the doctor had given me, but I knew you would be here soon. Almost 12 hours later, my water broke.
I wasn't really that scared on the way to the hospital, but more excited. I had everything ready for you to get here... but I had no idea what I was about to go through. Labor and delivery wasn't that bad (from what I remember). Everything gets a little foggy from here. I remember Nana, Grandmother, your dad, and the nurses being in the room and that the doctor couldn't get to the room in time to deliver you. One of the nurses had to do it. You came quick (and then immediately peed on the nurse). Your cries were music to my ears. I remember looking at you and you were perfect. The sweetest little eyes, the cutest little lips, and the smallest button nose. It was 10:12 in the morning on Friday. I had been in the hospital for less than 12 hours.
As they checked you and cleaned you, I couldn't wait to get you back in my arms. It was official. I was a mom. I brought this tiny, 5lb 7oz, baby boy into this world. At some point in time, they checked your sugar count. It was way too low. I was told that you would be going to NICU right away. I'm hypoglycemic
, so I understood the urgency. This was one of the first times I remember having the feeling of fear. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only time your sugar dropped. There's more to the story, but let's fast forward for now. I have spent the last ten years, loving you incredibly! I will continue this letter to you at a later day... I want to thank you for giving me my favorite memory. The very first time I held you and looked at you... I don't want to ever forget that. I love you, Brian Michael. Forever and ever. All my heart.
Dear Boo,
My sweet (not-so-little anymore) boy. You are the one that gave me my favorite memory... and you've given me so many more after that. From the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, I was terrified. Being young and not sure of where my life was about to take me, I had so many questions running through my mind. Will I be a good mom? Will I do the right things? How is my life about to change? There was one thing I knew for sure, I would love you with everything I had.
For almost three months, I was scared to tell anyone. I knew Nana and Papa would be upset because I was only seventeen. Once they found out things were stressful for a little while, but then they fell in love with you too (and you weren't even here yet). From the beginning, I felt like you were a boy (because normally, a mom doesn't find out if it's a boy or girl until about half-way through being pregnant). The day we actually got to see that you were a boy, I was so excited! I looked forward to all the things a dad usually does. The sports, bugs, camping....
I enjoyed being pregnant with you. I really did. I loved feeling you move around and I imagined what you would look like. I tried to think about how you would act. I was anxious about being a good mother and as the days got closer and closer, I loved you more and more. The day that I would hold you for the first time was getting closer. Finally, the last doctor appointment I would have while being pregnant. It was Thursday morning at about 11:00. I was ten days before the due date the doctor had given me, but I knew you would be here soon. Almost 12 hours later, my water broke.
As they checked you and cleaned you, I couldn't wait to get you back in my arms. It was official. I was a mom. I brought this tiny, 5lb 7oz, baby boy into this world. At some point in time, they checked your sugar count. It was way too low. I was told that you would be going to NICU right away. I'm hypoglycemic
, so I understood the urgency. This was one of the first times I remember having the feeling of fear. Unfortunately, that wasn't the only time your sugar dropped. There's more to the story, but let's fast forward for now. I have spent the last ten years, loving you incredibly! I will continue this letter to you at a later day... I want to thank you for giving me my favorite memory. The very first time I held you and looked at you... I don't want to ever forget that. I love you, Brian Michael. Forever and ever. All my heart.Narrow-Minded People [day twenty.three]
This letter was supposed to be to the last person I kissed... but I've already written him a letter... I'm thinking about picking something to replace and the only thing I can think of it something that's been irritating me lately... Narrow-minded people. I posted photos of a same sex couple on my photography page. Within minutes, someone posted "This is disgusting and I'm very offended" Of course this immediately pisses me off. Not only am I offended by what they had just said, but this is on my business page.
It is 2010, people. Now, I'm not a religious person. My beliefs are different from organized religion (we'll touch on that in a different letter). I don't see how people can be so judgmental and narrow-minded. They call it preaching. They say that it's what the Bible says. I've read parts of the Bible and I'll be the first to admit that I haven't read the entire book, but I understand quite a bit of it.
This is what I sent to them in a private message: If you are "offended" that still doesn't give you a right to judge people. I would appreciate if you would keep rude comments off my page. You are free to look away. I welcome my photography to EVERY person, no matter what sex, shape, size, color, orientation, OR disability.Their response was: Well, I'm going to take this opportunity to share my testimony with you. I am a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. And as such I follow what the Bible says. God says men with men is an abomination. If my comment is judgmental it is because I am following what the Bible says. People make judgments all the time. You have to make decisions about what is right and wrong. In today's society I realize that this is not considered wrong, but God says it is. I am not ashamed of Jesus and don't want to just slink away with out saying something. I don't want to be rude, but I do want to share what is the truth.
Last I checked, men aren't supposed to judge, that's God's job. In my opinion, I would rather see a world full of love than to have it full of hate. To me, what this person is doing is hate and it's ignorant. Also, things change. The Bible was written in a completely different time than what we have now. As far as same sex relationships, they have been around since the beginning of time. I feel like there are so many people that use religion as a reason to be rude. That comment will probably piss a few people off, but this is my opinion, and you have yours. What will those people do if their children (or a family member) announce that they are gay or lesbian? Would they then disown a loved one because it's "an abomination"? If this is truly what you feel, then I don't see how you live with yourselves. I could go for hours on this subject. I'm not trying to tell people not to believe in the Bible. I'm not trying to say that I want you to change your beliefs. I'm just trying to make people realize that two people loving each other should be enough, no matter what background those two people have. Until then, buy the book I posted and read it.
It is 2010, people. Now, I'm not a religious person. My beliefs are different from organized religion (we'll touch on that in a different letter). I don't see how people can be so judgmental and narrow-minded. They call it preaching. They say that it's what the Bible says. I've read parts of the Bible and I'll be the first to admit that I haven't read the entire book, but I understand quite a bit of it.
This is what I sent to them in a private message: If you are "offended" that still doesn't give you a right to judge people. I would appreciate if you would keep rude comments off my page. You are free to look away. I welcome my photography to EVERY person, no matter what sex, shape, size, color, orientation, OR disability.Their response was: Well, I'm going to take this opportunity to share my testimony with you. I am a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. And as such I follow what the Bible says. God says men with men is an abomination. If my comment is judgmental it is because I am following what the Bible says. People make judgments all the time. You have to make decisions about what is right and wrong. In today's society I realize that this is not considered wrong, but God says it is. I am not ashamed of Jesus and don't want to just slink away with out saying something. I don't want to be rude, but I do want to share what is the truth.
Last I checked, men aren't supposed to judge, that's God's job. In my opinion, I would rather see a world full of love than to have it full of hate. To me, what this person is doing is hate and it's ignorant. Also, things change. The Bible was written in a completely different time than what we have now. As far as same sex relationships, they have been around since the beginning of time. I feel like there are so many people that use religion as a reason to be rude. That comment will probably piss a few people off, but this is my opinion, and you have yours. What will those people do if their children (or a family member) announce that they are gay or lesbian? Would they then disown a loved one because it's "an abomination"? If this is truly what you feel, then I don't see how you live with yourselves. I could go for hours on this subject. I'm not trying to tell people not to believe in the Bible. I'm not trying to say that I want you to change your beliefs. I'm just trying to make people realize that two people loving each other should be enough, no matter what background those two people have. Until then, buy the book I posted and read it.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Second Chance [day twenty.two]
Someone you want to give a second chance to.... I have to admit, I used to give second (third, fourth...) chances out too often. I've gotten burned too many times, so my "second chances" don't come easily anymore. I want this letter to have some thought behind it, so I'm going to sit on it for a little while. When I can think of someone that truly deserves it, I'll make sure to write them.
Monday, August 23, 2010
First Impressions... [day twenty.one]
They say first impressions mean everything... I think they lie. Often times, a person isn't always their true selves when they first meet you. It's human nature to want someone to like you when you meet them. Other times, someone has already put something about that person in your head... whether that be something good or bad about them. When I saw the topic of this letter, I was unsure as to who I would write to. I typically don't go by a first impressions, but there is one case that I can think of and I was only reminded of it today. Over the past 10-12 years, my opinions of a certain person have been clouded, and I feel bad about that. It's a rude awakening to find out that someone you thought was your best friend, was a lie the entire time. This black widow knows how to weave her web exactly right so that you get sucked in and blinded to what's really going on. Unfortunately, Wendy and I were two of the people trapped. Now that we're free, we realize that we were wrong about each other.
Dear Wendy,
Let me start of by saying, karma will catch up to that bitch, but in the meantime, I'm glad that we can finally get along without her. I hate that I ever believed any of her lies. I remember when I met you, one of my first thoughts was "Who's this bitch?" I would get pissed because I felt like when I was wasn't around, you would talk behind my back (because that's what I was being told). Over time, I heard different things that would upset me, but in the back of my head, something didn't ever make sense. It may have taken us years but, now we know the truth and I'm glad to have a friendship started up with you! It's amazing what you can find out about a person once they stab you in the back. I can't believe how many people she had fooled. I'm sorry that I ever doubted shit.... It's good getting to know the side of you I've never really had a chance to know. I look forward to making memories with you!
So, lesson learned.... Don't always trust your first impression of someone... You could very well be wrong.
Dear Wendy,
Let me start of by saying, karma will catch up to that bitch, but in the meantime, I'm glad that we can finally get along without her. I hate that I ever believed any of her lies. I remember when I met you, one of my first thoughts was "Who's this bitch?" I would get pissed because I felt like when I was wasn't around, you would talk behind my back (because that's what I was being told). Over time, I heard different things that would upset me, but in the back of my head, something didn't ever make sense. It may have taken us years but, now we know the truth and I'm glad to have a friendship started up with you! It's amazing what you can find out about a person once they stab you in the back. I can't believe how many people she had fooled. I'm sorry that I ever doubted shit.... It's good getting to know the side of you I've never really had a chance to know. I look forward to making memories with you!
So, lesson learned.... Don't always trust your first impression of someone... You could very well be wrong.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Broken Hearted [day twenty]
Dear Brian,
From day one, I have loved you. Sometimes, too much. You changed my life and showed me that someone could love me for me. When we first got together, I didn't think two people could love each other more! The love we had was absolutely amazing... I convinced myself that a love like that would never go wrong and it would never end. I knew in my heart that it would last forever and that I had nothing to worry about...
I'm sorry that I changed. I went from being happy... to being extremely depressed
and I know that was miserable on you. I wish I would have recognized it sooner and could have gotten help. I turned lazy and was completely unmotivated with life... with no job. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that you were unhappy. Sure, we would argue and you would "warn" me about your unhappiness... Again, I never thought it would end, so I figured it was just a phase...
I should have been medicated, and we should have had counseling. Instead, you chose to do something no one ever thought you would. At that point, I had failed at marriage, but it was not to the point where it couldn't be saved. You had given up. You had reached the point where you realized that single life was for you and didn't want to bother with keeping the vows you said. No one ever said marriage was easy! No one said that you wouldn't have times where you want to give up, but the it's something you have to work at.
Even after I found everything out, I wanted to stay with you. I begged for counseling and separation... I didn't want to give up that easily even though you had just ripped my heart out. I couldn't believe it. I blamed myself for not being a good wife. Yet, on the other hand I was fucking furious. How in the hell could you do that to me?! I wanted you to feel the pain that had surged through my body. I wanted to come back and tell you I had done the same thing (even though I had not) just to see if you would hurt too. I knew you wouldn't give a shit though.
As the days and weeks went I wondered if I ever knew you at all. After 3 years of marriage and 5 years together, you had turned into someone I didn't know. It pissed me off when you insisted upon divorce as the answer before giving the other options a try. There I was... the day I swore would never come... signing divorce papers. I was always terrified of you dying before me... I thought that would be the only way we would not be together.... and yet, infidelity had ruined my life... As I signed those papers, I balled my eyes out and hated myself at the same time. I should be the one pushing for divorce... yet I was the one begging to stay with you. My heart literally hurt. I had never felt that much pain in my life.
I had picture our life together being so much different. I wanted to own a home, have more children, have a successful career... just be happy. I never expected it to be perfect... I just expected it to last. Although, I am fortunate that I have you back. We still have a lot to work on, but I'm thankful for what I have. I love you so very much. There are times when I'm still hurt... I still question things, but I'm trying my hardest to not let history repeat itself. I'm sorry that I didn't make you happy, but that still didn't give you the right to be an idiot. I do want us to have a long life together and there's a little boy that would love that as well. I want things to be different this time around (obviously). I'm trying to keep a hold on depression. If you want me, you have to show me. There's times when I just need you to hold me... or to hear "I love you"... We've been together for 7 years (with a break in the middle)... and you still hold my heart. It's a little more fucked up these days and a lot more fragile, so please be careful with it. If you don't want it anymore, put it down easy... but I hope that never happens. I love you, Brian... and most of all, I forgive you... but I'll never forget.
From day one, I have loved you. Sometimes, too much. You changed my life and showed me that someone could love me for me. When we first got together, I didn't think two people could love each other more! The love we had was absolutely amazing... I convinced myself that a love like that would never go wrong and it would never end. I knew in my heart that it would last forever and that I had nothing to worry about...
I'm sorry that I changed. I went from being happy... to being extremely depressed
and I know that was miserable on you. I wish I would have recognized it sooner and could have gotten help. I turned lazy and was completely unmotivated with life... with no job. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that you were unhappy. Sure, we would argue and you would "warn" me about your unhappiness... Again, I never thought it would end, so I figured it was just a phase...I should have been medicated, and we should have had counseling. Instead, you chose to do something no one ever thought you would. At that point, I had failed at marriage, but it was not to the point where it couldn't be saved. You had given up. You had reached the point where you realized that single life was for you and didn't want to bother with keeping the vows you said. No one ever said marriage was easy! No one said that you wouldn't have times where you want to give up, but the it's something you have to work at.
Even after I found everything out, I wanted to stay with you. I begged for counseling and separation... I didn't want to give up that easily even though you had just ripped my heart out. I couldn't believe it. I blamed myself for not being a good wife. Yet, on the other hand I was fucking furious. How in the hell could you do that to me?! I wanted you to feel the pain that had surged through my body. I wanted to come back and tell you I had done the same thing (even though I had not) just to see if you would hurt too. I knew you wouldn't give a shit though.
As the days and weeks went I wondered if I ever knew you at all. After 3 years of marriage and 5 years together, you had turned into someone I didn't know. It pissed me off when you insisted upon divorce as the answer before giving the other options a try. There I was... the day I swore would never come... signing divorce papers. I was always terrified of you dying before me... I thought that would be the only way we would not be together.... and yet, infidelity had ruined my life... As I signed those papers, I balled my eyes out and hated myself at the same time. I should be the one pushing for divorce... yet I was the one begging to stay with you. My heart literally hurt. I had never felt that much pain in my life.
I had picture our life together being so much different. I wanted to own a home, have more children, have a successful career... just be happy. I never expected it to be perfect... I just expected it to last. Although, I am fortunate that I have you back. We still have a lot to work on, but I'm thankful for what I have. I love you so very much. There are times when I'm still hurt... I still question things, but I'm trying my hardest to not let history repeat itself. I'm sorry that I didn't make you happy, but that still didn't give you the right to be an idiot. I do want us to have a long life together and there's a little boy that would love that as well. I want things to be different this time around (obviously). I'm trying to keep a hold on depression. If you want me, you have to show me. There's times when I just need you to hold me... or to hear "I love you"... We've been together for 7 years (with a break in the middle)... and you still hold my heart. It's a little more fucked up these days and a lot more fragile, so please be careful with it. If you don't want it anymore, put it down easy... but I hope that never happens. I love you, Brian... and most of all, I forgive you... but I'll never forget.
You're a Pest... [day nineteen]
pes·ter (p
s
t
r)tr.v. pes·tered, pes·ter·ing, pes·ters To harass with petty annoyances; bother.
Today's actual title was suppose to be "Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad"... I have several types of people that bug the shit out of me... but I can't think of one specific person that I want to write to. When I hear the word pester, I think annoying. I don't understand how someone could pester you in a good way... I mean, really? Let's think about this. Slow-ass Sunday drivers (when it's not even Sunday)... People who chew with their mouths open. I don't want to hear you smack your food! If you are over the age of 1 year old, there is no reason, what-so-ever, why you can't keep your lips together as you eat! That one really pisses me off. Don't even get me started on pathological liars. It annoys me when people won't listen to both sides of a story. People with foot fetishes - that's just nasty. Spoiled rotten rich kids who get their parents to buy them everything. The parents that use the children leashes
(inappropriately).... I mean, really? My son did just fine holding my hand. I had taught him to either stay in his stroller or to hold my hand. I get the concept behind it, I really do. As long as you have one thing clear, you child is not a pet. Don't jerk them, drag them or get pissed of at them for being miserable wearing it! Homophobic people... that's a whole other letter in itself. I was actually going to list a lot of my pet peeves... but I'm going to post this for now and possibly come back and edit it later. It's late and my mind can't think for much longer.
str)tr.v. pes·tered, pes·ter·ing, pes·ters To harass with petty annoyances; bother.Today's actual title was suppose to be "Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad"... I have several types of people that bug the shit out of me... but I can't think of one specific person that I want to write to. When I hear the word pester, I think annoying. I don't understand how someone could pester you in a good way... I mean, really? Let's think about this. Slow-ass Sunday drivers (when it's not even Sunday)... People who chew with their mouths open. I don't want to hear you smack your food! If you are over the age of 1 year old, there is no reason, what-so-ever, why you can't keep your lips together as you eat! That one really pisses me off. Don't even get me started on pathological liars. It annoys me when people won't listen to both sides of a story. People with foot fetishes - that's just nasty. Spoiled rotten rich kids who get their parents to buy them everything. The parents that use the children leashes
(inappropriately).... I mean, really? My son did just fine holding my hand. I had taught him to either stay in his stroller or to hold my hand. I get the concept behind it, I really do. As long as you have one thing clear, you child is not a pet. Don't jerk them, drag them or get pissed of at them for being miserable wearing it! Homophobic people... that's a whole other letter in itself. I was actually going to list a lot of my pet peeves... but I'm going to post this for now and possibly come back and edit it later. It's late and my mind can't think for much longer.
I Want to be You... [day eighteen]
Somewhere, there is a mother... a wife... a business woman. She is strong, smart, healthy, caring, independent (when she needs to be), beautiful... She is happily married with a wonderful husband. Her priorities are exactly how they need to be. During her younger years, she may have made some mistakes, but she's recovered from them and is grateful to have those lessons under her belt. Friendship is very easy and trust is never questionable. Her heart has been broken and be in and out of love, but it beats with power. She bleeds red (sometimes for 7 days at a time). She can laugh, cry, smile, yell, listen, talk. Her children always feel comfort in her arms and she knows she's made the right choices for them. She has dreams of one day traveling the world after the kids are off to college and living their own lives. She is passionate with her work and makes a good living for her family. She cooks breakfast on the weekends and dinner every night. She rests her head next to a man that falls more and more in love with her every day. They've had ups and downs, but it's only made them stronger. The Christmas tree is put up every year at Thanksgiving and she still calls her parents a few times a week. Her life isn't perfect, but she makes the best out of it. Sometimes, the bills aren't always on time, but they get paid. A yearly family vacation is a must. She's not scared to go to the grocery store in pajamas... and she doesn't always wear makeup, but he tells her she's beautiful every day.... This is a small glimpse at the person I want to be. She's out there somewhere... I just have to find her.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
When We Were Young... [day seventeen]
Childhood.... When I think about childhood, I think about elementary school... and middle school. What I wouldn't give to go back to those days. I didn't realize how good I had it and how much easier life was then. Several people come to mind... One of my first best friends was Sarah. Aside from family, I think Sarah was the first friend I spent the night with. Her brother was probably my first crush too! I also think about my teacher, Mrs. Shirley, that unfortunately ended up passing away. Then, there's Melissa. We were in orchestra together and she was one of my closest friends in middle school. There's also Sabrina, I used to spend a lot of time at her house too. I have a lot of people that stick out in my mind and have impacted me in one way or another.
We all have awkward times in elementary and middle school... Kids are mean. Always have been and always will be. I got picked on for various things, we all did. Either my clothes weren't name brand, or my hair was too short or I didn't do what the popular kids wanted me to... My friends came and went for all different kinds of reasons. But... there's a couple people that stick out right now...
Dear Jennifer,
Birds and bees, Dr. Pepper cans, Six Flags, riding our bikes, The Church, Frenchie... the list goes on and on. We have so many memories together that I hope I never forget. We may not have always done the right thing, but at least we did it together! You have always found your way back into my life and when you do, you're there for me. The older we get, the closer we are. There was only one occasion that I can think of that I was really upset with you, but at least you had the balls to be honest. I'm very thankful that I have a friend like you. We've gone through times of not talking, for whatever reason, but every time we bump back into each other, it's like we pick up where we left off. I hope that this time we stay in touch and if you have to move, it'll break my heart. I love you girl!
Dear Sarah,
A lot of my elementary school memories involve you. It was so long ago.... definitely makes me feel old when I think about it! Now that we're back in touch, we don't talk as often as we should. Thank you for being that true friend when we were younger. You have always been such a sweetheart. Now, you have a beautiful family. Who knew that this is where would end up in life? I am planning on coming to Nashville in a couple weeks, maybe I can swing by and see you! Let's work more on keeping in touch...
All the assholes that thought you were better than me,
Screw you. I think it's hilarious that I've seen half your faces on mugshots. It's amazing how most of you grew up to be absolutely nothing. It makes me laugh. I may not have my feet planted firmly, but I'm working on it. I thought about listing all your names, but I'll save that for later.
Everyone else,
Hold on to your youth as long as you can... Keep your dreams vivid and your goals reachable. Don't let heartache destroy you because you'll soon realize they weren't worth it anyway. Stay healthy and focused and you'll be just fine. Oh, and don't do drugs. They're bad for you... trust me, I know.
We all have awkward times in elementary and middle school... Kids are mean. Always have been and always will be. I got picked on for various things, we all did. Either my clothes weren't name brand, or my hair was too short or I didn't do what the popular kids wanted me to... My friends came and went for all different kinds of reasons. But... there's a couple people that stick out right now...
Dear Jennifer,
Birds and bees, Dr. Pepper cans, Six Flags, riding our bikes, The Church, Frenchie... the list goes on and on. We have so many memories together that I hope I never forget. We may not have always done the right thing, but at least we did it together! You have always found your way back into my life and when you do, you're there for me. The older we get, the closer we are. There was only one occasion that I can think of that I was really upset with you, but at least you had the balls to be honest. I'm very thankful that I have a friend like you. We've gone through times of not talking, for whatever reason, but every time we bump back into each other, it's like we pick up where we left off. I hope that this time we stay in touch and if you have to move, it'll break my heart. I love you girl!
Dear Sarah,
A lot of my elementary school memories involve you. It was so long ago.... definitely makes me feel old when I think about it! Now that we're back in touch, we don't talk as often as we should. Thank you for being that true friend when we were younger. You have always been such a sweetheart. Now, you have a beautiful family. Who knew that this is where would end up in life? I am planning on coming to Nashville in a couple weeks, maybe I can swing by and see you! Let's work more on keeping in touch...
All the assholes that thought you were better than me,
Screw you. I think it's hilarious that I've seen half your faces on mugshots. It's amazing how most of you grew up to be absolutely nothing. It makes me laugh. I may not have my feet planted firmly, but I'm working on it. I thought about listing all your names, but I'll save that for later.
Everyone else,
Hold on to your youth as long as you can... Keep your dreams vivid and your goals reachable. Don't let heartache destroy you because you'll soon realize they weren't worth it anyway. Stay healthy and focused and you'll be just fine. Oh, and don't do drugs. They're bad for you... trust me, I know.
From Georgia, With Love [day sixteen]
Dear Raeanne,
I am so glad I found you after all these years. There have been so many times you have crossed my mind and it has drove me crazy not knowing where you were or how you were doing. Luckily, after years of searching, I finally found you! You have always been one of those people that I could never forget (not that I ever wanted to). With so many memories that are vivid in my mind, how could I?
From the "she's my girl" to Six Flags (remember those boys from Florida? lol)... to the time you surprised me in the gym bathroom... You were always so sweet and I hated the fact that you disappeared. I wish I could find all the letters we used to write back and forth. Me, you and Jenn... We all had some good times.
Once I got in touch with you, it broke my heart that you were going through so much. It makes me want to be near you so that I can be the friend you need right now. We've both been through a lot in the last ten years... I only wish we would have stayed in touch.
Like I said before, it took me so long to find you because fate was waiting on the perfect time... and right now is when you need me the most. I will get down there to see you as soon as I can, I promise. Even if I have to walk, I'll be there for you. I'd really like for you to read a book, if you haven't already. It's called The Secret
and I think you'll really love it. You should check it out next time you're at the library (reading this letter).
I've always had mad love for you, girl and that will never change. Things will get better. You are destined to be someone amazing and nothing will stop you from being that. All the shit you're going through right now is just making you stronger in the long run! I can't wait for the day that I get to see you again. I'm hoping Jenn calls me one day and says, "I'm coming to get you and we're going to see RaeRae!".... Or even better, for you to call and say, "Come get me, I'm moving to Atlanta!" and I'd be there in a heartbeat! Girl, just keep your beautiful head up and keep going strong. There's something big planned for you. You just have to be patient and discover what it is. This time... I'm not losing touch. Love ya girl!
I am so glad I found you after all these years. There have been so many times you have crossed my mind and it has drove me crazy not knowing where you were or how you were doing. Luckily, after years of searching, I finally found you! You have always been one of those people that I could never forget (not that I ever wanted to). With so many memories that are vivid in my mind, how could I?
From the "she's my girl" to Six Flags (remember those boys from Florida? lol)... to the time you surprised me in the gym bathroom... You were always so sweet and I hated the fact that you disappeared. I wish I could find all the letters we used to write back and forth. Me, you and Jenn... We all had some good times.
Once I got in touch with you, it broke my heart that you were going through so much. It makes me want to be near you so that I can be the friend you need right now. We've both been through a lot in the last ten years... I only wish we would have stayed in touch.
Like I said before, it took me so long to find you because fate was waiting on the perfect time... and right now is when you need me the most. I will get down there to see you as soon as I can, I promise. Even if I have to walk, I'll be there for you. I'd really like for you to read a book, if you haven't already. It's called The Secret
and I think you'll really love it. You should check it out next time you're at the library (reading this letter).I've always had mad love for you, girl and that will never change. Things will get better. You are destined to be someone amazing and nothing will stop you from being that. All the shit you're going through right now is just making you stronger in the long run! I can't wait for the day that I get to see you again. I'm hoping Jenn calls me one day and says, "I'm coming to get you and we're going to see RaeRae!".... Or even better, for you to call and say, "Come get me, I'm moving to Atlanta!" and I'd be there in a heartbeat! Girl, just keep your beautiful head up and keep going strong. There's something big planned for you. You just have to be patient and discover what it is. This time... I'm not losing touch. Love ya girl!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I miss you... [day fifteen]
This probably won't be a long post. I miss several people and I've mentioned a few of those people already. In a perfect world, I could write this letter to the people I really want to write it to and they would see the sincerity in it and realize that I'm not full of shit and that they were lied to, but not by me. I don't understand how you can be friends with someone and be so close, then let some stupid bitch come along and start shit, and now I'm the one you can't trust?! Anyway. I'm using this entire blog thing as a form of therapy... so maybe this is where I accept the situation and let it go. I've been holding on to this for 2 years now. I have a bad habit of dwelling on so many things. So, I'll write the letter that will never been read, but at least I'll get it off my chest. Hopefully, it helps.
Dear DM,
Let me start of by saying that I really hope one day you realize that you were (are) wrong about me. I'm not the person you've been lead to believe I am. It's hard for me to sit back and know that he has a friendship with you and I don't. No, it's not some jealousy thing that I'm not spending time with him... I get upset because I'm not spending time with you. I get pissed off because you are so disillusioned about shit and that no one wants to listen to my side. This is such bullshit.
Yes, I have assumptions too. I assume that you are acting this way towards me because of one comment that you were told I said. I don't give a shit if it came from more than one person, that doesn't mean it's true. I assume that you think it's absolutely hilarious that this bothers me so much. I assume that you think our relationship is a joke. I assume that things will never be dropped, so we'll continue to get frustrated. I assume you don't realize how this affects everyone else.
We used to have so much fun! I can sit here and list them all out, but it won't phase you. It's gotten to the point that we can't even be civil with each other... yet, I don't have any problems with you and I'm sorry that I'm so pissed off that you have problems with me. Apparently, our entire friendship didn't mean anything to you. Otherwise, you would know that I'm not that kind of person. I would think that in order to make this less stressful for him, that you could at least give me a chance. I get pissed off that you're friends with that bitch. If only you knew what she is about! You have no idea what she's said about you, but I'm not going to start my own "he said, she said"... I'm confident that one day you'll realize. It would be so much easier for me to let go and move on if it wasn't thrown in my face all the time. I'm grateful that at least he has a strong friendship with you because he really enjoys your company. I really am. You both mean a lot to him. That's all I'm trying to do too. I'm not sure if you'll ever stumble across this letter or not... and if you do, I don't know if you'll have something to say about it or not. (I'm sure you'll get a laugh out of it.)
I hate the fact that I have so much frustration built up in this. All I want is to hang out and have times like we used to. I wish things were different, I really do. Maybe one day we can actually sit down and find a way to be civil. I don't think we'll ever have an actual friendship again (although that would be great), but we could possibly drop the tension and maybe get to the bottom of this pile of bullshit. Either way, thanks for being there for him when he needs someone. I really mean that. I can only hope that one day this changes... if it doesn't, I'll find a way to get over it.... Somehow.
Dear DM,
Let me start of by saying that I really hope one day you realize that you were (are) wrong about me. I'm not the person you've been lead to believe I am. It's hard for me to sit back and know that he has a friendship with you and I don't. No, it's not some jealousy thing that I'm not spending time with him... I get upset because I'm not spending time with you. I get pissed off because you are so disillusioned about shit and that no one wants to listen to my side. This is such bullshit.
Yes, I have assumptions too. I assume that you are acting this way towards me because of one comment that you were told I said. I don't give a shit if it came from more than one person, that doesn't mean it's true. I assume that you think it's absolutely hilarious that this bothers me so much. I assume that you think our relationship is a joke. I assume that things will never be dropped, so we'll continue to get frustrated. I assume you don't realize how this affects everyone else.
We used to have so much fun! I can sit here and list them all out, but it won't phase you. It's gotten to the point that we can't even be civil with each other... yet, I don't have any problems with you and I'm sorry that I'm so pissed off that you have problems with me. Apparently, our entire friendship didn't mean anything to you. Otherwise, you would know that I'm not that kind of person. I would think that in order to make this less stressful for him, that you could at least give me a chance. I get pissed off that you're friends with that bitch. If only you knew what she is about! You have no idea what she's said about you, but I'm not going to start my own "he said, she said"... I'm confident that one day you'll realize. It would be so much easier for me to let go and move on if it wasn't thrown in my face all the time. I'm grateful that at least he has a strong friendship with you because he really enjoys your company. I really am. You both mean a lot to him. That's all I'm trying to do too. I'm not sure if you'll ever stumble across this letter or not... and if you do, I don't know if you'll have something to say about it or not. (I'm sure you'll get a laugh out of it.)
I hate the fact that I have so much frustration built up in this. All I want is to hang out and have times like we used to. I wish things were different, I really do. Maybe one day we can actually sit down and find a way to be civil. I don't think we'll ever have an actual friendship again (although that would be great), but we could possibly drop the tension and maybe get to the bottom of this pile of bullshit. Either way, thanks for being there for him when he needs someone. I really mean that. I can only hope that one day this changes... if it doesn't, I'll find a way to get over it.... Somehow.
Monday, August 16, 2010
We've Drifted Apart [day fourteen]
In all honesty, this letter should probably go to several different people... There are so many people that have drifted away from me, and me from them. Some because they suck and I didn't want anything to do with them anyway. Others because life is busy and we forget to keep in touch... Then, there's a few that I really don't know why we don't talk much anymore. I know it's all about growing up. Friends come and go.
I honestly can't think of who I want to write this too. There are several names that come to mind, but I really don't think I want to write those people. One of my favorite quotes is "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" by Marilyn Monroe. I think that quote is perfect for this post.
There are just some people that aren't meant to be in your life... no matter how much you want them there. It sucks. I have a few people that I'm no longer friends with because of some "he said, she said" shit. Some of them I could care less about. I called two of those people family... and I never would've thought that they would turn their back on me. There was one bitch at the center of it all (she had a letter earlier) and she spread a lot of rumors and said some shit that she then turned around and said I said. It was a bunch of bullshit. I situation I wasn't even around for, yet, I got blamed for it. Whatever. I miss those people. In some cases, I miss them a lot, but they'll have to wait until this person does those things to them... then, maybe they'll realize.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I feel like the people in my life right now, are the ones that need to be there. I'm fortunate to have myself surrounded by good people. If the time comes and I need to see some of them go, I'll be ok. Until then, I'll enjoy the times I have. Life is too short to worry about the petty things.
I honestly can't think of who I want to write this too. There are several names that come to mind, but I really don't think I want to write those people. One of my favorite quotes is "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" by Marilyn Monroe. I think that quote is perfect for this post.
There are just some people that aren't meant to be in your life... no matter how much you want them there. It sucks. I have a few people that I'm no longer friends with because of some "he said, she said" shit. Some of them I could care less about. I called two of those people family... and I never would've thought that they would turn their back on me. There was one bitch at the center of it all (she had a letter earlier) and she spread a lot of rumors and said some shit that she then turned around and said I said. It was a bunch of bullshit. I situation I wasn't even around for, yet, I got blamed for it. Whatever. I miss those people. In some cases, I miss them a lot, but they'll have to wait until this person does those things to them... then, maybe they'll realize.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I feel like the people in my life right now, are the ones that need to be there. I'm fortunate to have myself surrounded by good people. If the time comes and I need to see some of them go, I'll be ok. Until then, I'll enjoy the times I have. Life is too short to worry about the petty things.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Forgive Me? [day thirteen]
As I've stated several times, I've made some huge mistakes in life, and have definitely learned from them. I am very lucky to have a sweet little boy that loves his Mom no matter what.
Dear Brian "Boo",
I haven't been the best I can possibly be for you and I'm sorry. I've made some horrible decisions in the past. There's nothing I can do to change that, but I can do everything possible to make you have the best life ever. You are so sweet and you love me far more than you have to. I've always tried to be honest with you and I hope that never backfires on me. You are so very smart and I'm so proud of you. I'm very thankful for your Nana and Papa for being there and don't know what I would have done (or would do) without them. Seven years ago, I was a complete idiot, and I hold it against myself to this day. Although, I'm glad the phase didn't last long, but it was the dumbest 6 months of my life.
Life isn't as easy as you think it is, go ahead and learn that now. All I ask of you is to be better than I ever was. I hope that you can forgive me and not resent me when you get older. I love you so very, very much. I've broken promises to you and I hate that. Not anymore. I want to you to grow up to be a successful man with all of your dreams within reach and easy to accomplish. I know you can do it. You've already overcame so much and that will make you stronger one day. We are all lucky to have a boy like you. I want to write more letters to you in the future, but for now. Can you forgive me? I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you and make you upset. You deserve far more than I've given you. I want you to be just as proud of me as I have been of you. I love you. Forever and ever. All my heart. Just remember, no matter how old you get, you'll always be my baby. xoxoxox Now, it's time to go upstairs and give you tons of kisses and have you wipe them off (because 10 is "too old" to be getting that much love from your mom)!
Dear Brian "Boo",
I haven't been the best I can possibly be for you and I'm sorry. I've made some horrible decisions in the past. There's nothing I can do to change that, but I can do everything possible to make you have the best life ever. You are so sweet and you love me far more than you have to. I've always tried to be honest with you and I hope that never backfires on me. You are so very smart and I'm so proud of you. I'm very thankful for your Nana and Papa for being there and don't know what I would have done (or would do) without them. Seven years ago, I was a complete idiot, and I hold it against myself to this day. Although, I'm glad the phase didn't last long, but it was the dumbest 6 months of my life.
Life isn't as easy as you think it is, go ahead and learn that now. All I ask of you is to be better than I ever was. I hope that you can forgive me and not resent me when you get older. I love you so very, very much. I've broken promises to you and I hate that. Not anymore. I want to you to grow up to be a successful man with all of your dreams within reach and easy to accomplish. I know you can do it. You've already overcame so much and that will make you stronger one day. We are all lucky to have a boy like you. I want to write more letters to you in the future, but for now. Can you forgive me? I'm so sorry that I ever hurt you and make you upset. You deserve far more than I've given you. I want you to be just as proud of me as I have been of you. I love you. Forever and ever. All my heart. Just remember, no matter how old you get, you'll always be my baby. xoxoxox Now, it's time to go upstairs and give you tons of kisses and have you wipe them off (because 10 is "too old" to be getting that much love from your mom)!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I hate you! [day twelve]
Due to language and being pissed off, discretion is strongly advised. I do not wish to offend anyone... except these people.
Let me tell you, when it comes to picking out "friends" I have picked some fantastic ones. (I hope you can sense the shit load of sarcasm pours through that statement.) I've never had a bad experience with my male friends, but when it comes to the bitches... yep, that's exactly what they are... I can tell you a few stories. There are two that stand out in my mind and I'll probably write both of them because I hate them both... forever.
The Cunt,
You are a complete fucking waste of space. I hate the fact that I have to share my air with you. How fucking DARE you ever call yourself my friend (or anyone's friend for that matter)! You are such a lying, two-faced bitch! I should have left you exactly where I found you. Stuck with a piece of shit, drunk junkie, ugly mother fucker. Exactly where you would have stayed had it not been for people caring about you. (Wow, that was a waste of time). You are pathetic excuse for a human and I hope that one day, everyone you have infected with your presence realizes that. I cannot believe that I took your side on so much shit, and then you turn around and stab me in the back like that, you fucking bitch. Then, to disappear for over a year. Don't even get me started on that. The anger I feel for you runs deep in my veins and one day I will get that chance to be face to face with you. From the second that other whore told me, I have played the "conversation" over and over in my head that I would have with you. Don't think that hiding will do you any good. You should have confronted this when it first happened. The worst part about all of this, besides the fact that you ruined my life for a short time, is that our children will never have the chance to grow up together. I still have to hear my son ask about your daughter. I had such a huge love for that girl and that will never change, I just feel sorry for her that she has a mother like you. I hope this comes back on you, I truly do. I hope one day someone does to you what you did to me. I did absolutely nothing to you in order to deserve that and you know that. How fucking dare you! You thought you had your cards played right and that things would work out in your favor... You're such a fucking dumbass to think that it would ever work in the first place. I don't understand why you had to stoop as low as lying to get your way. Manipulative bitch. You are a disease and that's all you'll ever be. The only thing you ever did that was worth a shit was give birth to that little girl. I was even there for the birth. When you had fucking no one, my family was there for you, not yours... yet, you still turn around and stab my back. I'll carry that scar as a reminder and your day will eventually come... I promise you that.
The Whore,
You are definitely on the top of my list right now. What I feel for the person above is absolutely nothing compared to what I feel for you. The thought of you makes me fucking sick. I should have known years ago that you were a piece of shit. Even then you couldn't keep your fucking legs closed. You always made sure to play the pity card and it worked for so long... Playing all your "friends" against each other so that we would never get together and uncover all the bullshit you had been feeding us for years. I was stupid enough to fall for it... You acted like my best friend when I was at my lowest, laying out your road of fucked up shit from the beginning. Yet, there's something about you that make people believe you. It pisses me off so fucking bad. I've been looked down upon for shit you said! The only reason you chose to take the words out of your mouth and put them in mine is so that they would hate me and never believe a word I say. That's your way of keeping your secrets locked away, but let me tell you something. They will come out and I'll be standing there laughing when they do. Oh, but there you go again, playing your "oh, it's so hard to stay sober... all my friends hate me... even though I've talked so much shit about you, will you please be my friend?" and they fucking fall for it! You even tried sleeping with their husband, before they were married of course, but I'm sure they don't know that either. What about the numerous times you cheated on your husband(s)? I know so much shit about you that I could easily ruin your fucking life and you better believe, I'm just waiting on the perfect time. They'll eventually figure out what you're all about and I hope that it's not the way I did. Fuck you for lying to me and about me for years. You have definitely taught me to trust my gut. I loathe your very existence. To think... I used to actually envy you. It makes me want to throw up just writing those words. No one has any idea what emotion I hold in when it comes to this fucked up bullshit.... no one. You have created this. You should have just kept you fucking mouth shut to begin with. You wanted to see me hurt and that's the other reason you ever brought it up. How in the hell can you justify being the one to "deliver the bad news" and turn around and do it yourself?! It takes two to tango, but you damn sure played your part, in more ways than one.... You'll get yours... and I'll make sure to be there the day you do.
Maybe I can luck out and run into both of these worthless people at the same time. I've been holding this shit in for way too long... but the day will come for some closure...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Rest in Paradise [day eleven]
Wow. This is a tough one. Not only do I have issues with death, but a friend of mine just lost her 20 month old grandson last night... This may take me all day to write. Let me start of by saying that 2008 was the worst year of my life, to date. I dealt with a huge life change, betrayal, devastation, and death. I'm supposed to write this letter to a "deceased person you wish you could talk to" ... let's see if I can make it through this.
Dear Tyler,
I'm still stuck in the illusion that you'll come back... and it's been a year and a half. You were such a great friend and we didn't spend nearly enough time with you. You were the only one out of "the crew" that would always show up for birthdays and keep in touch one way or another. That always meant a lot. Your smile could brighten any room and that's just one thing that I miss so much.
So many of us are still pissed off that you were taken from us. We all called your phone just to hear your voice (and I'm still unable to delete your number from my phone). At least justice is being made, but it doesn't bring you back to so many of us that cared about you and loved you so much. Writing this, (even though I've written you time and time again) I'm realizing that I still have a lot emotion wrapped up in your death. Egh. Those words "your death" leave a horrible feeling in my heart. I think that's the first time I've said that.
Thank you for the memories... the laughs, the hugs... the shoulder. I'm thankful that I can still laugh at some of those memories. The time you and Brian showed up as cowboys, that was classic. The few nights you came to Luby's, you possibly saved my life. One of the last times I got to spend with you was the night I came over and you gave myself and Pam your bed to sleep in. You and I had a conversation that night that sticks with me, and I appreciate those words... I'll never forget them. I was able to see you only a couple times after that, but luckily, we talked often. I hate the fact that I didn't get the chance to take the photos of you and your sister like you wanted... If only we could see the future...
You touched so many lives and warmed so many hearts... It's incredibly hard for me to write this, but I can't imagine what your family goes through. You were lost on what would have been my 4th wedding anniversary... just days before Christmas. I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to come to your memorial service (because I was out of town), but I'm sure you understand. Every once and a while, I can smell you and I hope that it's really you and not that I'm actually going crazy....
It's not fair.... it's just not fair!
I hope that you're up there in the stars, looking down at all of us and that you know just how much you are loved. You have forever impacted my life and I'll never forget you... I carry you with me for the rest of my life. You are missed tremendously.
Dear Tyler,
I'm still stuck in the illusion that you'll come back... and it's been a year and a half. You were such a great friend and we didn't spend nearly enough time with you. You were the only one out of "the crew" that would always show up for birthdays and keep in touch one way or another. That always meant a lot. Your smile could brighten any room and that's just one thing that I miss so much.
So many of us are still pissed off that you were taken from us. We all called your phone just to hear your voice (and I'm still unable to delete your number from my phone). At least justice is being made, but it doesn't bring you back to so many of us that cared about you and loved you so much. Writing this, (even though I've written you time and time again) I'm realizing that I still have a lot emotion wrapped up in your death. Egh. Those words "your death" leave a horrible feeling in my heart. I think that's the first time I've said that.
Thank you for the memories... the laughs, the hugs... the shoulder. I'm thankful that I can still laugh at some of those memories. The time you and Brian showed up as cowboys, that was classic. The few nights you came to Luby's, you possibly saved my life. One of the last times I got to spend with you was the night I came over and you gave myself and Pam your bed to sleep in. You and I had a conversation that night that sticks with me, and I appreciate those words... I'll never forget them. I was able to see you only a couple times after that, but luckily, we talked often. I hate the fact that I didn't get the chance to take the photos of you and your sister like you wanted... If only we could see the future...
It's not fair.... it's just not fair!
I hope that you're up there in the stars, looking down at all of us and that you know just how much you are loved. You have forever impacted my life and I'll never forget you... I carry you with me for the rest of my life. You are missed tremendously.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
We Need to Talk More [day ten]
This is someone that I have lost touch with, not always gotten along with, and developed a very important friendship with, thanks to a cunt. Unfortunately, she lives in a different state now and we don't keep in touch as well as we need to.
Dear Katrina,
Damn girl, I'm not even sure where to start. We could take it back about 12-13 years... At the time, I didn't realize how thankful I would be for those words, "We need to talk." We have been through some shit since then. I am so very happy about the woman you have became. You have a beautiful family and an amazing husband... not to mention, you are gorgeous! I'm sorry that I ever believed the bullshit that came out of that bitch's mouth. We were both fed some ridiculous things and I should have known better, but when someone is your "best friend" you desperately want to trust what they say/do. I fell victim to her ways, but when it was all said and done, I gotten closer to you and I'm grateful for that. If only you lived closer, our families could have a closer relationship too. We definitely need to keep in touch more! I can't say it enough, I hate that cunt and I'm sorry that she ruined our friendship for so long. I look forward to many, many more years of knowing you.
Dear Katrina,
Damn girl, I'm not even sure where to start. We could take it back about 12-13 years... At the time, I didn't realize how thankful I would be for those words, "We need to talk." We have been through some shit since then. I am so very happy about the woman you have became. You have a beautiful family and an amazing husband... not to mention, you are gorgeous! I'm sorry that I ever believed the bullshit that came out of that bitch's mouth. We were both fed some ridiculous things and I should have known better, but when someone is your "best friend" you desperately want to trust what they say/do. I fell victim to her ways, but when it was all said and done, I gotten closer to you and I'm grateful for that. If only you lived closer, our families could have a closer relationship too. We definitely need to keep in touch more! I can't say it enough, I hate that cunt and I'm sorry that she ruined our friendship for so long. I look forward to many, many more years of knowing you.
Someone I Wish I Could Meet [day nine]
I really would want to meet my ancestors... I want to learn all about them and know what they're like. I want to know where I came from... I know that my family tree is lined with Cherokee Indian and I think it would interesting to see how they lived and how they spent their day. Sometimes, I feel like an old soul. I swear I was meant to live in the 1950's-1970's.... or even sooner. Back when people weren't as lazy and didn't depend on the things we take advantage of today....
I also wouldn't mind being the first person to video tape an actual encounter with aliens. I'm talking about the ones from outer space. I've always been interested in what's out there. I think people are crazy if you truly think we are the only ones in this universe. There has to be more than just us. I'm sure there's another civilization out there trying to find the technology to "find" us too... and then there's probably another that is advanced enough to already have been here.
I want to meet James Dean
and have his children. That's right, you heard me. I've been obsessed with the man for quite some time now. (Maybe I can start ONE more sentence with "I"). Ok.... there you have it... these are a few people I would like to meet. You were probably expecting something crafty like a president or Oparh, although she would be interesting to meet... Anyway, time to write another letter for today. Oh, and this guy, Nick Vujicic
:
I also wouldn't mind being the first person to video tape an actual encounter with aliens. I'm talking about the ones from outer space. I've always been interested in what's out there. I think people are crazy if you truly think we are the only ones in this universe. There has to be more than just us. I'm sure there's another civilization out there trying to find the technology to "find" us too... and then there's probably another that is advanced enough to already have been here.
I want to meet James Dean
and have his children. That's right, you heard me. I've been obsessed with the man for quite some time now. (Maybe I can start ONE more sentence with "I"). Ok.... there you have it... these are a few people I would like to meet. You were probably expecting something crafty like a president or Oparh, although she would be interesting to meet... Anyway, time to write another letter for today. Oh, and this guy, Nick Vujicic:I've watched this video a few times... and it moves me every time. I want his outlook on life.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Interwebs Friend [day eight]
I don't have many people that I've initially met on the internet and have never met in person. There's are only one of them that I can think of. (Of course, knowing me, I'm forgetting about someone, don't take it personally).
Dear Valentina,
Val, Vale, Valecakes... I love the fact that you love Sugarloaf and Helen. It just means that you should move up here! It seems like we've been net friends forever... early in my myspace days! I've been to Florida twice and missed you each time and then you came to Helen and I missed you that time! Grr! You have entertained me with pictures back and forth and used to post the best myspace comments! I know that one day you will live in Helen, GA married to Nick Carter with pretty babies! I wish I could think of more to say, but I know that I can always come back and edit this haha.
Dear Valentina,
Val, Vale, Valecakes... I love the fact that you love Sugarloaf and Helen. It just means that you should move up here! It seems like we've been net friends forever... early in my myspace days! I've been to Florida twice and missed you each time and then you came to Helen and I missed you that time! Grr! You have entertained me with pictures back and forth and used to post the best myspace comments! I know that one day you will live in Helen, GA married to Nick Carter with pretty babies! I wish I could think of more to say, but I know that I can always come back and edit this haha.
An Ex [day seven]
Hmm.... I'm going to leave the name on this one blank for several reasons....
Dear Him,
Years ago, I starred into those incredible blue eyes. You stood in front of me as this true-blue, 100% bad boy and there I was... ready for trouble. It was November 15th... and by the time March rolled around, we sat on the couch looking at a pregnancy test. I was absolutely terrified, and you were right beside me. I have to admit, I was surprised when you didn't take off running immediately. I knew my parents would kill me, but at that time, all I cared about was having you with me. This girl was head over heels crazy for you.
About a month later, you turned yourself into jail... well, WE turned you in. I sat in the parking lot crying my eyes out for nearly an hour and had no clue what I was going to do. Too bad you missed the joy of my mother finding out I was (4 months) pregnant. *sarcasm* So.... then you move in with me at my parents... Late nights on the computer, drinking, "working late", going to strip clubs... While I sat at home, with our son growing inside me. My heart would hurt so much during those times. It eventually came down to you going back "home".
I was so hurt by you. I just wanted you to realize how much I loved you and wanted it to work. I swore up and down that you wouldn't make it to the birth, and honestly, I didn't really want you there. At that time, I felt as though the addictions were more important that us. I was fully prepared to raise this boy by myself. I has just barely turned 18 when November 16th of the next year rolled around. A day after what would have been our 1 year anniversary... My water broke. I hadn't talked to you in almost a month, so I called your family.
I really didn't want you coming to the delivery if you were drunk... At least you had the 3 hour ride to sober up. *You may not like these words I write now, but these are my feelings of how I felt then.* I was SO mad at you for hurting me. I was so pissed at myself for loving you. Let's fast forward... three (or four) months later. I'm thinking life is going to be perfect, so I move to live with you. Away from my family (that was driving me crazy at the time anyway). At this point, I knew you had already cheated on me before, but I was dumb enough to think it wouldn't happen again.... Long story short, because I don't want this letter to piss you off now. That was years ago and I hope you've made a change for the better. There are just obvious reasons why we couldn't have a relationship.
There have been times when I have been so disappointed because I always stood behind you saying "this time is different"... and you proved us all wrong. I've seen your heart. I know who you can be and you're a far better person than you think you are. By no means, am I sitting here saying I've been the greatest mother in the world, because that's not true. I have fucked up and made some of the worst mistakes of my life when it comes to that boy... but I don't want to go any deeper into it with this letter. I've probably already gone too far. I am fortunate enough to say that I have a friendship with you. I hope that we can always have that. I worry about you... I'm hoping you can find yourself soon.... not for you, not for me, but for him. I was lucky to find a man who has been a great father-figure in his life and those two love each other deeply... but he needs you too. I'm going to stop writing before I get too much emotion wrapped into this.... besides, I wouldn't want it to be taken the wrong way.
Dear Him,
Years ago, I starred into those incredible blue eyes. You stood in front of me as this true-blue, 100% bad boy and there I was... ready for trouble. It was November 15th... and by the time March rolled around, we sat on the couch looking at a pregnancy test. I was absolutely terrified, and you were right beside me. I have to admit, I was surprised when you didn't take off running immediately. I knew my parents would kill me, but at that time, all I cared about was having you with me. This girl was head over heels crazy for you.
About a month later, you turned yourself into jail... well, WE turned you in. I sat in the parking lot crying my eyes out for nearly an hour and had no clue what I was going to do. Too bad you missed the joy of my mother finding out I was (4 months) pregnant. *sarcasm* So.... then you move in with me at my parents... Late nights on the computer, drinking, "working late", going to strip clubs... While I sat at home, with our son growing inside me. My heart would hurt so much during those times. It eventually came down to you going back "home".
I was so hurt by you. I just wanted you to realize how much I loved you and wanted it to work. I swore up and down that you wouldn't make it to the birth, and honestly, I didn't really want you there. At that time, I felt as though the addictions were more important that us. I was fully prepared to raise this boy by myself. I has just barely turned 18 when November 16th of the next year rolled around. A day after what would have been our 1 year anniversary... My water broke. I hadn't talked to you in almost a month, so I called your family.
I really didn't want you coming to the delivery if you were drunk... At least you had the 3 hour ride to sober up. *You may not like these words I write now, but these are my feelings of how I felt then.* I was SO mad at you for hurting me. I was so pissed at myself for loving you. Let's fast forward... three (or four) months later. I'm thinking life is going to be perfect, so I move to live with you. Away from my family (that was driving me crazy at the time anyway). At this point, I knew you had already cheated on me before, but I was dumb enough to think it wouldn't happen again.... Long story short, because I don't want this letter to piss you off now. That was years ago and I hope you've made a change for the better. There are just obvious reasons why we couldn't have a relationship.
There have been times when I have been so disappointed because I always stood behind you saying "this time is different"... and you proved us all wrong. I've seen your heart. I know who you can be and you're a far better person than you think you are. By no means, am I sitting here saying I've been the greatest mother in the world, because that's not true. I have fucked up and made some of the worst mistakes of my life when it comes to that boy... but I don't want to go any deeper into it with this letter. I've probably already gone too far. I am fortunate enough to say that I have a friendship with you. I hope that we can always have that. I worry about you... I'm hoping you can find yourself soon.... not for you, not for me, but for him. I was lucky to find a man who has been a great father-figure in his life and those two love each other deeply... but he needs you too. I'm going to stop writing before I get too much emotion wrapped into this.... besides, I wouldn't want it to be taken the wrong way.
Friday, August 6, 2010
A Stranger [day six]
Again... another one that I could take in a couple different directions. There are people that I "know" but are strangers because I don't know anything about them... There's the man that I passed by in the store yesterday... and there's the "stranger" within myself. Hmm, decisions, decisions...
To that girl from long ago,
I watched you look in the mirror... not knowing who in the hell you are. Pupils dilated, mouth dry, skin crawling. You're so very young and have no idea what is coming your way. You wake up every morning thinking that you're unstoppable, that you're doing no wrong. Little do you know who and what falls in your path of destruction... You're completely oblivious to what's going on around you. Look at you! With your excuses! What the fuck is wrong with you?! If only someone would come along and wake you up from this nightmare you creative for yourself!
I know you don't see it right now, but you'll hate yourself for this. I understand it was a lot to handle, but it was your choice to take on the responsibility. Now look at you! You're having everyone else do it for you! You have a disease that you are unaware of... with no sign of diagnoses anytime soon. You think it's fine, "I'm okay", around your friends. Laughing, cutting up, living it up. Can't you see what pain is headed your way? Yes, you can hide it for a little while, but it'll catch up to you.
How are those endless nights of no sleep? The random memories your jotting down in that notebook will mean absolutely nothing to you in a few years! That happiness you feel now, is only an illusion. Don't worry, kid, you'll wake up one day. All those friends you think you have will only stab you in the back later. Can't you see what you're doing!? Hiding behind makeup and balloons... thinking no one knows. They may not now, but they will. Just you wait, it's only a matter of time. Your clock is ticking and you aren't even noticing.
I wish I could tell you all of this... but I sit back and watch from a distance. Watching... waiting... Your days are numbered, little girl. Years from now, your heart will still ache because of what you're doing right now... if only you knew that. That burn you feel now is nothing compared to this pain. You'll soon realize that this isn't a dream... Can't you see the pain you put in his eyes? My eyes get cloudy with tears and my throat holds back a knot as I write this to you. You'll fight this for the rest of your life, all because of one decision to pick it up.
Those sunglasses don't do shit for you! Aren't you fucking tired of waking up like this!? It's not just you in this world! You selfish bitch! How can you sit around and think bad of others when you're doing this to yourself...? I'm so pissed off at you and you have no fucking clue! If you would only put forth that much effort to getting things done in your life, you'll be a happier person later on. You'll spend hours trying to hide it, months trying to justify it and years trying to forget it. I'm here to tell you that it will haunt you for a lifetime so enjoy it while it lasts. Things are about to get crazy.
I write this to you in confidence that you will read it years later and realize what all you threw away. This is a war that contains several battles... and it's only just beginning. There are pieces scattered from town to town. When you're ready, take the time to pick them all up. You will come out of this, I promise you that. You will eventually stand stronger than you ever have before. There's absolutely nothing I can do right now to stop you and that hurts... but I can help save you. Grab this life and hold on... it's the only one you have.
Sincerely,
You.
To that girl from long ago,
I watched you look in the mirror... not knowing who in the hell you are. Pupils dilated, mouth dry, skin crawling. You're so very young and have no idea what is coming your way. You wake up every morning thinking that you're unstoppable, that you're doing no wrong. Little do you know who and what falls in your path of destruction... You're completely oblivious to what's going on around you. Look at you! With your excuses! What the fuck is wrong with you?! If only someone would come along and wake you up from this nightmare you creative for yourself!
I know you don't see it right now, but you'll hate yourself for this. I understand it was a lot to handle, but it was your choice to take on the responsibility. Now look at you! You're having everyone else do it for you! You have a disease that you are unaware of... with no sign of diagnoses anytime soon. You think it's fine, "I'm okay", around your friends. Laughing, cutting up, living it up. Can't you see what pain is headed your way? Yes, you can hide it for a little while, but it'll catch up to you.
How are those endless nights of no sleep? The random memories your jotting down in that notebook will mean absolutely nothing to you in a few years! That happiness you feel now, is only an illusion. Don't worry, kid, you'll wake up one day. All those friends you think you have will only stab you in the back later. Can't you see what you're doing!? Hiding behind makeup and balloons... thinking no one knows. They may not now, but they will. Just you wait, it's only a matter of time. Your clock is ticking and you aren't even noticing.
I wish I could tell you all of this... but I sit back and watch from a distance. Watching... waiting... Your days are numbered, little girl. Years from now, your heart will still ache because of what you're doing right now... if only you knew that. That burn you feel now is nothing compared to this pain. You'll soon realize that this isn't a dream... Can't you see the pain you put in his eyes? My eyes get cloudy with tears and my throat holds back a knot as I write this to you. You'll fight this for the rest of your life, all because of one decision to pick it up.
Those sunglasses don't do shit for you! Aren't you fucking tired of waking up like this!? It's not just you in this world! You selfish bitch! How can you sit around and think bad of others when you're doing this to yourself...? I'm so pissed off at you and you have no fucking clue! If you would only put forth that much effort to getting things done in your life, you'll be a happier person later on. You'll spend hours trying to hide it, months trying to justify it and years trying to forget it. I'm here to tell you that it will haunt you for a lifetime so enjoy it while it lasts. Things are about to get crazy.
I write this to you in confidence that you will read it years later and realize what all you threw away. This is a war that contains several battles... and it's only just beginning. There are pieces scattered from town to town. When you're ready, take the time to pick them all up. You will come out of this, I promise you that. You will eventually stand stronger than you ever have before. There's absolutely nothing I can do right now to stop you and that hurts... but I can help save you. Grab this life and hold on... it's the only one you have.
Sincerely,
You.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My Dreams [day five]
I'm going to take the internal and external approach to this. My "life" dreams... hell, I might even include my Bucket List in this post. I don't ask for much when it comes to my life dreams. I could say something generic here and going with "all I want is happiness"... but let's go further in depth.
For years, I've said I wanted to have a photography studio by the time I was 30... well, that's only 2 years away. It's still possible if I bust my ass, but I have several things to focus on right now. I'd rather make sure that I had a strong foundation to stand on before I take on that much responsibility. So, my first goal is to get a stable full time job (whether I love what I'm doing or not). I want that one accomplished now, asap, yesterday! After that, I want to change my home life. Possibly look into buying a house, or rent to own, to have a place from my son and family. I'd love to be doing that with a year. With any luck, I'll be able to have a house that has room for an in-home studio.
I'm tired of being co-dependent and expecting shit to just fall in my lap (even though I know it won't happen). It's time I stand up and do things for myself. It's ridiculous, I know, but writing this blog is helping. It's out here for the public to see and it almost makes me feel like I'm being held accountable for what I say. Basically, what I'm saying, is that my dreams in life are like most other people... Have a home, raise a good family, make sure my spouse is happy, and stick to what my mother says, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". When it comes down to it, no one else can make you happy... Yes, their actions can create a happy mood for you, but they can't make you happy. I had a husband that constantly told me I was beautiful and took care of me and did all the things that should have made me happy, but I wasn't happy with myself, so in the long run, it ended up messing things up.
For me, it's simple. I nice house (not too big, not too small), a good job that I'm not miserable doing, a bigger family, a wonderful husband and a children that don't grow up regretting things like I do. Now, I just need to get off my ass and do something about it.
Head Dreams.... those are a little more fucked up. I often have strange dreams... On occasion, I have premonition dreams, causing deja vu like crazy! Other times, I dream about hanging out with Shaycarl (that was last night) or ones that just disturb me. I remember this one dream from when I was in elementary school about a huge gorilla chasing me up the driveway and as I tried to go through the door, it grabbed my foot and pulled out onto the porch - that's normally when I would wake up. Or what about the dream that I was trapped in a abandoned house, in the dark, and the only way I could get through it was to feel the walls (which were covered with wetness)... which I later found out was blood... I guess that wasn't water I was wading through either. I finally found my way out of the house only to see a million squirrels running at me! Oh! Even better, I've given birth to animals... climbed to the top of a huge mushroom only to realize I was stuck in Super Mario World. I've searched for unicorns... went to a jail of nude little people... been a black man... wrestled in bubble gum... You name it, I've probably had a dream about it, with some sick and twisted versions. I typically remember most of dreams, unless I've stressed out. *Hm, I just had an idea* I am obsessed with trying to find the meanings to my dreams so most of the time they make sense with what I'm experiencing in life... sometimes, they are just plain frightening. So, there you have it.... my "letter" to my dreams... I really couldn't figure out a way to write "My dreams"....
For years, I've said I wanted to have a photography studio by the time I was 30... well, that's only 2 years away. It's still possible if I bust my ass, but I have several things to focus on right now. I'd rather make sure that I had a strong foundation to stand on before I take on that much responsibility. So, my first goal is to get a stable full time job (whether I love what I'm doing or not). I want that one accomplished now, asap, yesterday! After that, I want to change my home life. Possibly look into buying a house, or rent to own, to have a place from my son and family. I'd love to be doing that with a year. With any luck, I'll be able to have a house that has room for an in-home studio.
I'm tired of being co-dependent and expecting shit to just fall in my lap (even though I know it won't happen). It's time I stand up and do things for myself. It's ridiculous, I know, but writing this blog is helping. It's out here for the public to see and it almost makes me feel like I'm being held accountable for what I say. Basically, what I'm saying, is that my dreams in life are like most other people... Have a home, raise a good family, make sure my spouse is happy, and stick to what my mother says, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". When it comes down to it, no one else can make you happy... Yes, their actions can create a happy mood for you, but they can't make you happy. I had a husband that constantly told me I was beautiful and took care of me and did all the things that should have made me happy, but I wasn't happy with myself, so in the long run, it ended up messing things up.
For me, it's simple. I nice house (not too big, not too small), a good job that I'm not miserable doing, a bigger family, a wonderful husband and a children that don't grow up regretting things like I do. Now, I just need to get off my ass and do something about it.
Head Dreams.... those are a little more fucked up. I often have strange dreams... On occasion, I have premonition dreams, causing deja vu like crazy! Other times, I dream about hanging out with Shaycarl (that was last night) or ones that just disturb me. I remember this one dream from when I was in elementary school about a huge gorilla chasing me up the driveway and as I tried to go through the door, it grabbed my foot and pulled out onto the porch - that's normally when I would wake up. Or what about the dream that I was trapped in a abandoned house, in the dark, and the only way I could get through it was to feel the walls (which were covered with wetness)... which I later found out was blood... I guess that wasn't water I was wading through either. I finally found my way out of the house only to see a million squirrels running at me! Oh! Even better, I've given birth to animals... climbed to the top of a huge mushroom only to realize I was stuck in Super Mario World. I've searched for unicorns... went to a jail of nude little people... been a black man... wrestled in bubble gum... You name it, I've probably had a dream about it, with some sick and twisted versions. I typically remember most of dreams, unless I've stressed out. *Hm, I just had an idea* I am obsessed with trying to find the meanings to my dreams so most of the time they make sense with what I'm experiencing in life... sometimes, they are just plain frightening. So, there you have it.... my "letter" to my dreams... I really couldn't figure out a way to write "My dreams"....
My Cousin [day four]
I am blessed to have a good family. Although most of us live close together, we don't see each other as often as we should. The older we all get, the more we get caught up in our own lives. I think we all need to work harder on getting together more. I have several relatives that mean a lot to me, but since I have no siblings, I have to chose a relative and the first one that comes to mind is Crystal, my cousin... I'm going to try and write a little something to everyone at the end....
Dear Coozin,
Where to start? Growing up, we spent so much time together and I always felt like you and Heather were as close to sisters as I would get. I've looked up to you on more times than I could count. Especially when it came to school. One of the things I've always admired about you is your positivity. You seem to always have a smile on your face! Anything you put your mind to, you accomplish. I wish I had that. You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Looking by and remembering being younger... sleepovers, new music, paintings, Papa John's, going to Border's, sitting in the car while it was raining... I have so many memories with you, yet the older we get, the less we make. Now that you're a wife and mother, I know you'll be busy, but we should try to continue making moments happen. I want Koen to grow up knowing me and Boo more than just "those people I see at Christmas". Just know that I love you guys dearly and can't wait to see you more.
*I'm going to save the "everyone" part for another letter*
Dear Coozin,
Where to start? Growing up, we spent so much time together and I always felt like you and Heather were as close to sisters as I would get. I've looked up to you on more times than I could count. Especially when it came to school. One of the things I've always admired about you is your positivity. You seem to always have a smile on your face! Anything you put your mind to, you accomplish. I wish I had that. You are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Looking by and remembering being younger... sleepovers, new music, paintings, Papa John's, going to Border's, sitting in the car while it was raining... I have so many memories with you, yet the older we get, the less we make. Now that you're a wife and mother, I know you'll be busy, but we should try to continue making moments happen. I want Koen to grow up knowing me and Boo more than just "those people I see at Christmas". Just know that I love you guys dearly and can't wait to see you more.
*I'm going to save the "everyone" part for another letter*
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Parental Units [day three]
My mom and dad... The older I get, the more incredible I realize they are.
Dear Mama and Daddy,
There are so many things I'm thankful for and I'm sorry that I seem ungrateful at times. I guess it's true what they say... I didn't realize how much you actually did for me until I became an adult myself. I don't want to go into a lot of details publicly, but growing up (especially as a teenager), I'm so sorry I was such a pain in the ass. I caused both of you far too much stress.
You have both done so much for me! Thinking about all of it makes me feel useless some times. I know over the past 28 years I have put too much burden on your shoulders. I should have done more for you. I should show you I care more. I should do a lot more than I do. You're right, I'm too selfish at times and I'm sorry. I'm really going to work on that.
I worry about both of you because I don't know what I would do without you. I may joke around about how I wouldn't wipe your ass or how I would push you around in your wheelchair, but when it comes down to it, of course I would take care of you. It's the very least I could do. I really wish I could be more like the both of you. You've always done whatever it took to make sure everyone else was taken care of and put yourself to the side. I hope to one day repay you for everything you've done. I love you both so much! I don't tell you nearly enough.
Dear Mama and Daddy,
There are so many things I'm thankful for and I'm sorry that I seem ungrateful at times. I guess it's true what they say... I didn't realize how much you actually did for me until I became an adult myself. I don't want to go into a lot of details publicly, but growing up (especially as a teenager), I'm so sorry I was such a pain in the ass. I caused both of you far too much stress.
You have both done so much for me! Thinking about all of it makes me feel useless some times. I know over the past 28 years I have put too much burden on your shoulders. I should have done more for you. I should show you I care more. I should do a lot more than I do. You're right, I'm too selfish at times and I'm sorry. I'm really going to work on that.
I worry about both of you because I don't know what I would do without you. I may joke around about how I wouldn't wipe your ass or how I would push you around in your wheelchair, but when it comes down to it, of course I would take care of you. It's the very least I could do. I really wish I could be more like the both of you. You've always done whatever it took to make sure everyone else was taken care of and put yourself to the side. I hope to one day repay you for everything you've done. I love you both so much! I don't tell you nearly enough.
Monday, August 2, 2010
My Crush [day two]
Most people would go with "the obvious" (the significant other), but oh no! Not me. Ever since I can remember, I've been a boy trapped in a girls body. Not in some "I want to get a sex change" kind of way. I've just never been very "girly-girl" (except for emotionally). So, the older I get, the more I realize that boy is gay. I love my gay boys and I can't help it. With that.... here's the letter to my crush. He is an amazing musician with a heart-melting voice.
Dear Jay Brannan,
You are such a beautiful person, not only physically lol, but mentally. I stumbled across your talent with perfect timing. In 2008, my life took a huge turn (the worst year of my life, to date) and I went even further into a depression I had already battled for 3 years. I would stay in the bed until I had to pee so bad it forced me to get up. Even then, I would go pee and get back in bed. To make matters worse, I would obsessively search YouTube daily for the saddest songs I could think of and force as many tears out of my face as I could. Most of the time, making myself physically sick.
Some how, I managed to pull up this cute boy playing a guitar. The song was "Soda Shop" and it was the first time I had actually "perked up" in months. I clicked the next song . Then, the next one and that was the moment I fell in love with your music. (That's also the moment I was 100% sure that you were indeed, a gay boy, which only made me love you more). It was March or April of 2008 (I'm pretty sure) and I sat down the next day and watched every single video from the beginning. I started telling everyone I knew that they had to listen to your songs. I felt that I had found someone to relate to me. Less often, I wanted to curl up in the fetal position on a bathroom floor and die. Life still really fucking sucked, but at least I had Jay Brannan! That sounds obsessive, huh? Well, that was the state of mind I was in.
With my birthday fast approaching, you announced that you were coming to Atlanta! (The day after my birthday!) I bought those tickets so damn fast I was quite possibly the first person to purchase. Your music became a daily routine for me. I would listen to a few songs in the morning, go to work and sing them all day. It was July 18th and I stood outside Vinyl waiting to go in, anxious to see the man that had basically rescued me from depression (while singing songs about depression - crazy, I know).
I guess the whole reason for this letter is to let you know that you do inspire people! You have a way of impacting someones life and I really don't know if I could have pulled out of those moments in my life without you and your music. Jay, I would grow a penis for you. No worries, I'm not some psycho bitch that wants to own a pair of your underwear and to know every detail about your life. I'm just a girl that needed someone at some of the worst times of my life, and you were that someone. Thank you for doing what you do... and no! I don't regret the tattoo..... yet.
Your Fellow Housewife
xo
(Oh wow... this makes me sound like a stalker, huh? Fuck.)
Dear Jay Brannan,
You are such a beautiful person, not only physically lol, but mentally. I stumbled across your talent with perfect timing. In 2008, my life took a huge turn (the worst year of my life, to date) and I went even further into a depression I had already battled for 3 years. I would stay in the bed until I had to pee so bad it forced me to get up. Even then, I would go pee and get back in bed. To make matters worse, I would obsessively search YouTube daily for the saddest songs I could think of and force as many tears out of my face as I could. Most of the time, making myself physically sick.
Some how, I managed to pull up this cute boy playing a guitar. The song was "Soda Shop" and it was the first time I had actually "perked up" in months. I clicked the next song . Then, the next one and that was the moment I fell in love with your music. (That's also the moment I was 100% sure that you were indeed, a gay boy, which only made me love you more). It was March or April of 2008 (I'm pretty sure) and I sat down the next day and watched every single video from the beginning. I started telling everyone I knew that they had to listen to your songs. I felt that I had found someone to relate to me. Less often, I wanted to curl up in the fetal position on a bathroom floor and die. Life still really fucking sucked, but at least I had Jay Brannan! That sounds obsessive, huh? Well, that was the state of mind I was in.
With my birthday fast approaching, you announced that you were coming to Atlanta! (The day after my birthday!) I bought those tickets so damn fast I was quite possibly the first person to purchase. Your music became a daily routine for me. I would listen to a few songs in the morning, go to work and sing them all day. It was July 18th and I stood outside Vinyl waiting to go in, anxious to see the man that had basically rescued me from depression (while singing songs about depression - crazy, I know).
I guess the whole reason for this letter is to let you know that you do inspire people! You have a way of impacting someones life and I really don't know if I could have pulled out of those moments in my life without you and your music. Jay, I would grow a penis for you. No worries, I'm not some psycho bitch that wants to own a pair of your underwear and to know every detail about your life. I'm just a girl that needed someone at some of the worst times of my life, and you were that someone. Thank you for doing what you do... and no! I don't regret the tattoo..... yet.
Your Fellow Housewife
xo
(Oh wow... this makes me sound like a stalker, huh? Fuck.)
 | |||||
| 2009 |
Sunday, August 1, 2010
My Best Friend [day one]
Dear Julia,
I know this may come as a surprise, but this is to you. Although we don't spend a lot of time together and we may not speak every day, you are my best friend. I've never had a moment of doubt with you. I trust you completely and you know that trust doesn't come easy with me. You have always been there for me and I know I can talk to you about anything. You're there when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to bitch to, an honest opinion, someone to tell me how crazy or rational I'm being.... you're there for anything and everything I need you for. It hurts my heart when you're upset about anything and warms my heart when you're happy. You are an amazing friend, mother and wife. I hope to know you for a lifetime! I may not tell you this often enough, but I love you dearly.
I know this may come as a surprise, but this is to you. Although we don't spend a lot of time together and we may not speak every day, you are my best friend. I've never had a moment of doubt with you. I trust you completely and you know that trust doesn't come easy with me. You have always been there for me and I know I can talk to you about anything. You're there when I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to bitch to, an honest opinion, someone to tell me how crazy or rational I'm being.... you're there for anything and everything I need you for. It hurts my heart when you're upset about anything and warms my heart when you're happy. You are an amazing friend, mother and wife. I hope to know you for a lifetime! I may not tell you this often enough, but I love you dearly.
The First 30 Days
The 30 Day Letter Challenge
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I'm going to write a letter to a different person each day... this will be the first 30.
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