Rest in Paradise [day eleven]

Wow. This is a tough one. Not only do I have issues with death, but a friend of mine just lost her 20 month old grandson last night... This may take me all day to write. Let me start of by saying that 2008 was the worst year of my life, to date. I dealt with a huge life change, betrayal, devastation, and death. I'm supposed to write this letter to a "deceased person you wish you could talk to" ... let's see if I can make it through this.

Dear Tyler,

        I'm still stuck in the illusion that you'll come back... and it's been a year and a half. You were such a great friend and we didn't spend nearly enough time with you. You were the only one out of "the crew" that would always show up for birthdays and keep in touch one way or another. That always meant a lot. Your smile could brighten any room and that's just one thing that I miss so much.

So many of us are still pissed off that you were taken from us. We all called your phone just to hear your voice (and I'm still unable to delete your number from my phone). At least justice is being made, but it doesn't bring you back to so many of us that cared about you and loved you so much. Writing this, (even though I've written you time and time again) I'm realizing that I still have a lot emotion wrapped up in your death. Egh. Those words "your death" leave a horrible feeling in my heart. I think that's the first time I've said that.

Thank you for the memories... the laughs, the hugs... the shoulder. I'm thankful that I can still laugh at some of those memories. The time you and Brian showed up as cowboys, that was classic. The few nights you came to Luby's, you possibly saved my life. One of the last times I got to spend with you was the night I came over and you gave myself and Pam your bed to sleep in. You and I had a conversation that night that sticks with me, and I appreciate those words... I'll never forget them. I was able to see you only a couple times after that, but luckily, we talked often. I hate the fact that I didn't get the chance to take the photos of you and your sister like you wanted... If only we could see the future...

You touched so many lives and warmed so many hearts... It's incredibly hard for me to write this, but I can't imagine what your family goes through. You were lost on what would have been my 4th wedding anniversary... just days before Christmas. I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to come to your memorial service (because I was out of town), but I'm sure you understand. Every once and a while, I can smell you and I hope that it's really you and not that I'm actually going crazy....
It's not fair.... it's just not fair!
I hope that you're up there in the stars, looking down at all of us and that you know just how much you are loved. You have forever impacted my life and I'll never forget you... I carry you with me for the rest of my life. You are missed tremendously.