From day one, I have loved you. Sometimes, too much. You changed my life and showed me that someone could love me for me. When we first got together, I didn't think two people could love each other more! The love we had was absolutely amazing... I convinced myself that a love like that would never go wrong and it would never end. I knew in my heart that it would last forever and that I had nothing to worry about...
I'm sorry that I changed. I went from being happy... to being extremely depressed
and I know that was miserable on you. I wish I would have recognized it sooner and could have gotten help. I turned lazy and was completely unmotivated with life... with no job. Looking back, it doesn't surprise me that you were unhappy. Sure, we would argue and you would "warn" me about your unhappiness... Again, I never thought it would end, so I figured it was just a phase...I should have been medicated, and we should have had counseling. Instead, you chose to do something no one ever thought you would. At that point, I had failed at marriage, but it was not to the point where it couldn't be saved. You had given up. You had reached the point where you realized that single life was for you and didn't want to bother with keeping the vows you said. No one ever said marriage was easy! No one said that you wouldn't have times where you want to give up, but the it's something you have to work at.
Even after I found everything out, I wanted to stay with you. I begged for counseling and separation... I didn't want to give up that easily even though you had just ripped my heart out. I couldn't believe it. I blamed myself for not being a good wife. Yet, on the other hand I was fucking furious. How in the hell could you do that to me?! I wanted you to feel the pain that had surged through my body. I wanted to come back and tell you I had done the same thing (even though I had not) just to see if you would hurt too. I knew you wouldn't give a shit though.
As the days and weeks went I wondered if I ever knew you at all. After 3 years of marriage and 5 years together, you had turned into someone I didn't know. It pissed me off when you insisted upon divorce as the answer before giving the other options a try. There I was... the day I swore would never come... signing divorce papers. I was always terrified of you dying before me... I thought that would be the only way we would not be together.... and yet, infidelity had ruined my life... As I signed those papers, I balled my eyes out and hated myself at the same time. I should be the one pushing for divorce... yet I was the one begging to stay with you. My heart literally hurt. I had never felt that much pain in my life.
I had picture our life together being so much different. I wanted to own a home, have more children, have a successful career... just be happy. I never expected it to be perfect... I just expected it to last. Although, I am fortunate that I have you back. We still have a lot to work on, but I'm thankful for what I have. I love you so very much. There are times when I'm still hurt... I still question things, but I'm trying my hardest to not let history repeat itself. I'm sorry that I didn't make you happy, but that still didn't give you the right to be an idiot. I do want us to have a long life together and there's a little boy that would love that as well. I want things to be different this time around (obviously). I'm trying to keep a hold on depression. If you want me, you have to show me. There's times when I just need you to hold me... or to hear "I love you"... We've been together for 7 years (with a break in the middle)... and you still hold my heart. It's a little more fucked up these days and a lot more fragile, so please be careful with it. If you don't want it anymore, put it down easy... but I hope that never happens. I love you, Brian... and most of all, I forgive you... but I'll never forget.
No comments:
Post a Comment